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America wakes up as divided as she went to sleep. He has handily won the Electoral College. She appears to have won the popular vote. The latter is electorally irrelevant and statistically insignificant. The country is rent in two.
For this piece, I hope to write to us, meaning all of us – backers of Hilary, Donald, and the tiniest slice who are still undecided (a little levity there!) I will use “quote marks” to signify the unfortunate language of division that has become so rooted in our vocabulary and our minds. I will say “we” when I mean progressives, and I will say we — without quotes — when I mean ALL of us. This language of division illuminates but it also obfuscates aspects of reality. I think it might help us to be more conscious of how our words shape our underlying understanding of our ongoing illness (and struggle for wellness).
when two parts of our body politic have been attacking each other for years, often brutally for the past 5-15 months, each deeply resistant to the other? Today, a half feels vindicated, finally able to move the body in the right direction, while a half feels lost, unsure of whether to resist or give in. The tiniest of margins in our winner-take-all world means all 3 branches have been ceded to one half of our warring-against-itself body.* So, the body remains on high alert.
Monday I wrote 3 prescriptions for us: (1) Listen and include. (2) Be civil. (3) Become more fact-based.
I think today is a big day for all 3, but I want to focus on the first.
To young people on “our side,” many of whom felt disenfranchised by Bernie’s loss and now may give up entirely. And to listen to all those against whom the president-elect “doubled down” – immigrants, Muslims, etc. People need to be heard. I worry about young people, because their social and moral minds are still developing. I teach them every day. I note how last week’s cover story in Newsweek documented what I have observed — their alarming rates of anxiety and depression. We need to hear them, as this event is a shock to their systems of understanding, belonging and difference.
We need to listen to ourselves and our “allies.” My wife, a warrior if ever there were one, asked me this morning, “What are Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages** of grief?” It feels that way, as though someone has died. (But to my core message and metaphor: we are ONE body, and we are in processes of both sickness and healing. We are NOT dead.)
Human animals process by talking, crying, laughing, wailing, running and cogitating: seeking explanations. It’s healthy for us. It allows us to find how to change: the courage to re-enter “the fray,” the serenity to accept what we can’t change, and the wisdom to discern the difference.
We need to listen to Trump supporters. Many of “us” did not hear the level of their pain, anger, and alienation. We need to listen as a response to our auto-immune condition. They seemingly “attacked” and defeated “our” cells and antibodies, but we cannot intelligently forget that they felt under attack. Whether we work, worship, or walk with them, we need to help them feel heard. As humans we long to be heard. It’s also pragmatic: We need to listen, because “their” elected officials who control all three branches will be listening to them. We need to listen so we can reason and ask reasonable questions. We need to listen, too, so that we also can be heard. The two sides have been talking past each other, in a series of “yes, but’s,” until it got so bad that friends literally quit listening to each other.
One of my students led our class to a wonderful video of civil listening. It’s 10 minutes long. It’s really worth watching and listening to.
Please feel free to use this space as people do so beautifully (and unlike so many other sites) where people listen and speak, to respect each others thoughts and especially their FEELINGS in this first day of healing.
Lead with your best.
*If the judiciary is still theoretically non-partisan, litmus tests of the post-Roe era make that true only in name.
** Kubler-Ross nailed that deep change is not rational. You don’t “think” your way through the loss of a loved one. Our emotions — and our expression of them — is what heals. Listening is important to each of them. Her stages were:
Denial (is there a recount possible?)
Anger (at Trump, Comey, FoxNews, even Hillary, and any number of other scapegoats)
Bargaining (not sure with whom)
Depression (watch for the signs, especially with kids, of removal, lack of motivation, prolonged sadness)
Acceptance (knowing what we can’t change, constructively moving to change what we can and must)
Photo: LA Times: http://www.latimes.com/politics/la-na-pol-election-new-york-20161108-story.html
I guess we have to listen to white people, because they are the ones that gave the election to Trump. He won every white demographic including men, women, Evangelical, and youth. I thought we had listened to white people enough over the past 200 years, but I guess I am wrong. When you talk about the people with economic anxiety who voted for Trump, you are talking about white people. I’m sure some of them are economically anxious-some with good reason. However minorities have far more reason for economic anxiety and they went for Clinton. When you overlay the demographics of race and economics, it shows that middle-to-upper class whites went for Trump. This is not economics, it’s race. When you are part of a privileged group, fairness seems like oppression.
Mary Lynne,
Thanks for making an important point and making it clearly and emphatically.
It is indisputable that RELATIVELY speaking, African-Americans, other people of color, and women have a stronger basis for being insecure and anxious about their prospects.
You conclude that we ought not “have to listen to white people” because we already know the answer is (not that they are economically insecure, but) that they are racist and sexist (I think that’s your argument; forgive me if I’m mis-characterizing it.)
There are two problems with that approach: (1) If you call someone a racist (or any other name), you can pretty much forget about them becoming your ally or friend or sympathetic to your concerns. (2) I think there is a really legitimate question in your insightful analysis which is this: “”WE” see Hillary as promoting policies (like tax policy, child care, health care protections, infrastructure, etc.,) that help people who are trying to fight their way up the economic ladder, so tell us what you think Trump is delivering that will really help you?” I believe — just my view of economics and politics — that we want to be in a position in two and four years to ask them: “Has he helped you? Has he delivered what you promised?” I don’t see how we ask them that if we call them racists, sexists, xenophobes, homophobes and every other word that implies that they are ignorant and worthless.
I appreciate that you feel indignant or hurt and want to say, “shouldn’t they be listening to us — if they want to know about marginalization, alienation and insecurity?!” Yes. Yes. Yes. So, I’m asking us to listen first, listen better, make it safe for them to explain why they would put their faith in the fox to guard the hen house.
Thanks again for weighing in.
Dan
Wow, this blog is something else. A lot of people need to get a grip. If it makes you feel any better, you can repeatedly listen to Barak Obama’s calming speech. “The sun did rise in the morning”. Dan, I’d have to agree with Mark on this. This is nothing like losing a loved one. No really grieving process is required here. We can all jump right to step 5, accept that we have new president, and continue to fight for what we feel is right for America. Mark also makes a good point about the separation between a policy decisions and there long term end results, as you duly noted.
I take exception to your response to Jon. Yes, I recognize gloating when I see it. He certainly could have dialed back on the gloating, but I found no untruths, and frankly found it no more insulting than Mark’s comments. These are both two men’s opinions. But it seems you only want to hear the views the come from your same vantage point. Just maybe, Hilary suffers from this same affliction …just another man’s opinion.
As far as the election, and staying away from all the he said, she said, at 1am the morning before the voting booths opened, Trump was just stepping up to a podium in Michigan. He knew it would be a fight to the end. I really think Trump wanted it a lot more that she did. I kind of think she felt it was her turn and that she was entitled to it. There was plenty of fear mongering coming from both sides, but Trump was listening to the people, and found a large group that was disenfranchised by the past administration. Hilary knew this, but chose not to engage with these people. She only wanted to impose her view of her future America on them. When she saw that that wasn’t working for her, she insulted them.
Obama never spoke to me. Just like Joe the Plumber, I knew his view was not mine. He never earned my vote, but when he was elected president he earned my respect. As an America, I have a duty to give him the same chance as every elected president has, to lead as they see fit. I can still disagree with him, but I judge each one of his decisions individually, without dismissing them all as liberal or misguided.
Trump didn’t win the popular vote, so it’s fair to say there were a whole lot of people he wasn’t speaking to, but deserves their respect. He deserves the respect that all American’s who attain the highest office should receive. He deserves a chance to lead as he sees fit. (As an educator, you might want to remind our young people of that.)
This is your blog, so you can filter out the voices you don’t want to hear, or you can engage people like Jon. You can try to see the view from their vantage point, and make this a place for all ideas. Shutting opposing views out doesn’t unit the community as a whole; it only widens the divide between us. Even if I don’t agree with your analogy of this being like the death of a loved one, there is a need for healing in this country.
The sun will rise tomorrow, so let’s all lead with our best selves.
Mike
Mike,
Thanks for your contribution to the discussion.
I admire you for being open to Obama who earned your respect. You set some kind of bar for him, and he got over it. I absolutely respect our voting system, our rule of law. Trump is our President. I understand the SENTIMENT, but I don’t agree with the IDEA of those who believe he’s not their president. I HOPE he earns my respect. The Presidency has my respect. He does not. He could have earned it . . . by sharing his tax returns, by being open about HIS foundation, by saying he would accept the results of the election (would he have?), by not stirring up lies about Obama, by not tolerating unAmerican chants of “lock her up,” and I could go on. I hope he earns my trust. Obama and his wife earned trust over eight years, through multiple crises. I hope you can understand how a man whose statements were proven “false” or “pants on fire” MORE time than they were anywhere near true has not quite earned my trust.
I want to say more about grief, because I disagree with you deeply. I believe it is very much like loss of a family member. I believe humans are tribal, starting with their closest-in family, and working their way out to wider circles. When a pastor leaves a congregation, people grieve. When a child goes off to school, though not dead, the parents grieve. When a best friend moves away, you grieve (see Inside Out, the brilliant movie by Pixar for grief and denial in children and adults). When my father lost his run for mayor and I was in 5th grade (a child, yes), I was literally inconsolable — that night, and then inside my confused mind, for weeks. In that time, I bucked up. I went to school, though I was in a daze. But it was physiologically like a death. It was scary. My world was no longer safe. It would have been good to go THROUGH the stages of grief. There is a science to healthy grieving. Telling people “everything is great,” or as Jon seems to say to those in grief, “Well, my “dad” is still alive, and he’s great, so you should be happy about that.” When I ask “my” people to listen to Trump’s people, I want to hear it all, but I hope some have a little more nobility and willingness to engage in a two-way conversation. (Dennis Marks did this on my Facebook page. He voted for Trump and explained why. I appreciated hearing that.)
Please don’t underestimate what this feels like for people for whom Trump’s words unleashed great fear. The woman who has been promising to protect them, was vanquished. She was offering them a “path” to citizenship, protection for their Islamist faith, a heartfelt inquiry around implicit bias, clean water in Flint. If you felt you needed a protector and lost that person, would you not grieve? Especially if the person put in charge had made the inflammatory statements he has?
Today, I have students — adults — who cannot come to class. They are afraid that their parents, aunts, uncles will be hauled out of the country, and they are working through that anxiety. Who will protect them (from Trump’s promised deportations)? They are grieving, Mike. I have seen Muslim students in tears. I have heard international students, from Japan, for instance, from Pakistan and India, very fearful for what this means to the world. There are African American students — far from all — who saw Trump’s leading a libelous charge against Barack Hussein Obama — and who hear about “stop and frisk,” and they are literally afraid. Many of them have been stopped for no reason. Some are angry. Who will defend them? Giuliani?
So, I began this whole endeavor on Tuesday, speaking to “my” people who are grieving. I invited them to console each other and to listen adn learn. Forgive me. Literally, forgive me, if you feel I am too harsh with Jon, who to my view seems to enjoy pouring salt in a wound, and sending the patient home to be happy. I DON’T filter voices, if they are respectful. But I ask people to listen, as I listen. And if they don’t, that’s fine. There are many other Jon can go to celebrate. But not in my funeral home, not while my people are grieving. Unless, he can be reasonable, which until I threatened to shut him out, he was decidedly NOT.
It is grief, Mike. You may wish that people grieved like you might. But make no mistake it’s grief.
Respectfully,
Dan
Mike, you really have hit the nail on the head here. Thank you for writing this.
Forgive me if this is too long, Dan. I appreciate your essay.
As I was watching the results come, close to where my three beautiful kids peacefully slept, I casually posted on social media, “What do I tell my children?” A friend took me to task, without saying in so many words that we were all being sore losers and generalizing bad rhetoric to all voting supporters. I replied as a Dad. Here is what I wrote.
I appreciate and agree with the general tone of your post[, Lori]. You’re right to say that there is nothing to be gained by shouting that half of the country is ignorant or racist because they voted for a candidate they believed in. Informed, thoughtful people who I like and respect supported Donald Trump, but I’m not sure everyone is reacting the WAY they are for the REASON you think they are.
The side I supported in this election was not victorious, but when I mused, “What do I tell my children?,” I was not pondering how to explain the votes of others. The question for me was how to fit the election result into a dubious context that I, myself, had created for my children.
As this unpleasant campaign went forward, I didn’t talk to my children about the pros and cons of universal health care. I wasn’t trying to engage them in the meaning of various international treaties, I wasn’t sharing my feelings on science policy, tax policy or other wonky issues that were in play. For my 2, 7 and 9 year olds, I was only telling them that I was not supporting (then-candidate) Trump because of his statements about the faith of some people, about Mexicans, about how women should be treated… In short, I avoided any conversation about the technical “job” of the presidency, congratulating myself on finding a teachable moment to share my values regarding tolerance, inclusiveness and understanding. I reasoned that this was the level at which I could engage with my kids. So my first error was just to underestimate the capacity of at least my older two children.
It was only hubris giving me confidence that Secretary Clinton would certainly win, and that therefore I could use her victory as an example of doing well by doing good. Now I wish I hadn’t taken that tack. For me, at least, when I say “What do I tell my children,” it is specifically because of a parenting problem of my own making: I didn’t say anything about “a woman president” or “experience in international diplomacy” or “training on the Senate Armed Services Committee” or “deep understanding of the perspective of other nations and cultures”; I said that a person who espouses mean or racist positions should not be our leader. Yet now I look at the example I was pointing to and he WILL be our leader. I will try to support the new President and hope for his success, but it is going to be hard to square that with what I said before to Raphael, Lee and Aurora (though it won’t matter so much for the littlest one). My two older children were genuinely upset by the outcome of the election, and it pains me that I made the pain worse than it should have been; I had not given them any context to understand the there were arguments being made for and against both sides, even as I felt that the arguments on one side were superior.
If I could start again, I would have shared my honest thoughts about the many challenges and issues that the next President would have to deal with. I would have allowed my children to demand that I make those topic understandable and challenge me to explain why they mattered to me. By reducing the race to the narrow dimensions of temper, character and, to oversimplify even more, the importance of good manners, I made them more unhappy and diminished their experience in the first presidential election that they will remember. Speaking as a Dad, that’s more important to me at this moment than the perhaps monumental impact of the election results.
Howard,
My mentor and friend Mary Ann Hastings always told me, “Muller, don’t leave the loss without the learning.” I appreciate your humble and candid sharing, and have no doubt that your children will benefit from a dad who can admit mistakes and learn.
I hope our president-elect can do the same.
Best,
Dan
Listening to the people who voted for Trump as his term begins is a matter of listening to a group of persons who have expectations set by Donald Trump. Will he carry out his stated intention of suing the 8 or 9 women who claim he sexually assaulted them? Will he put Hillary Clinton in prison? Listen to the Trump voters yelling, “Lock her up,” over and over. Will he deport 11 million Mexicans? All these and other actions he said repeatedly are what the Trump voters are and will be saying he must do to meet their expectations, built by Donald Trump. We understand one part of what Trump voters think is what Trump put in their minds.
Dan,
The election being over, to me is not a death, because I am a person who takes words quite literally unless they are in poetry or some other literary form, rather than normal or standard writing and speaking. It may be my experience working at a funeral home that makes me see human death as different from the completion of an election. To me an election of a public officer is part of the flow of government processes, one thing leads to the next, and cannot be separated neatly. I could ask, what died? The opportunity to have HRC as president is lost, and there may be the association with death, in that something / someone is lost. An election is a thing and not a person. Both kinds of losses cause people to have emotional responses, as if an airplane with an open cockpit, and then an object you hold falls out of your hands and disappears in the clouds. You grasp for it is it falls, but it is lost. You can feel responsible for the loss of a human, of feel that you did not do enough with them while a live. With an election, you can have similar feelings of responsibility for something, even intangible, what if someone had done something differently? The loss of this election is personal to many persons, who had hoped for something directly connected to their life, like health care, equal rights, or justice; and now those things fall away out of your grasp, out of sight. But they are things that can still be obtained through hard work, they are not gone forever.
As to death and elections; hope springs eternal with this near impossibility of reviving the dead election: https://www.yahoo.com/news/millions-sign-petition-urging-electoral-college-to-elect-hillary-clinton-175038196.html
With all the protests over the election (basically because our youth and certain groups cannot accept that their way is the only way). I have come to the conclusion that our military is doing something that parents cannot do. Our military accepts every religion, every sex, every minority and trains them to work together. Remember, there are a lot of units other than just the fighting units. Yet, every unit works together to get their jobs done. The military has done more to get Americans to work together than any other organization in the USA. All of the organizations (Churches, political parties, BLM, KKK) all add to the division of this country. I sincerely hope that Trump institutes a compulsory military service for every person at age 18 to instill in our youth the importance of working together and eliminate the divisiveness that is overtaking our country. Many people will say, “That has not always been the case.” and that is true. However, that is in the past and the military now is inclusive and not separative. I hope this post gets shared until it ends up in the Trump camp, and some thought is given to this solution. Something must be done to save our lost youth.
Dan, I would add a fourth to your excellent list of items: seek to understand. Try to understand why we had this outcome. And I don’t mean the intellectually lazy and self-satisfying assessment that 60 MILLION Americans are racist deplorables and irredeemable. If they are then it’s the same racists that momentously elected America’s first black President twice. Challenge ourselves to dig deeper. Could it be that ideas and policy plans won out? Americans might be unsatisfied with economic growth beneath the capability of America. Americans might be truly concerned and fed up with immigrants coming to our great country illegally and want it stopped. Americans might want to be sure that immigrants coming from terrorist laden countries will endanger fellow Americans. Americans might want trade deals to work to bring Americans jobs instead of bleed them to the other trade deal signees (this by the way, a HUGE change in conservative thought and mine in particular). Possibly Americans were dissatisfied with the level of corruption in American government that seems to serve them well, but not us.
An honest “what went right, what went wrong” for both sides is in order. To help us understand where each other resides today after another divisive election (they ALL are and always will be when 60 million Americans win and 61 million lose – only our REACTION if different). It also helps the planning for the most healthy part, how we can WIN next time, by seeking the true answer of why we lost (OR won). Seek true understanding.
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