Friends,
Isn’t it crazy sometimes how the simplest things turn out to be the most powerful? But sometimes it takes some objective research to startle you back to the obvious. That’s what happened to me last week when I had Professor William Doherty of the University of Minnesota on my radio program. Since you likely face a busy work December, holiday season franticness, but also the impending opportunity for New Year’s resolutions, I thought it made sense to share Bill’s insight with you.
What would you guess is THE most significant activity that you can do to support your children’s psychological and cognitive development? Is it diet, rest, hugs, reading? Doherty says unequivocally that the most significant activity is to have frequent meals together with your entire family. Doherty backs up his findings with a boatload of research. For instance, one study compared families which had more than five or more meals together per week with those who had two or less. They found that in the latter families, children were three times more likely to use marijuana, 2 1/2 times more likely to smoke cigarettes, and 1 1/2 times more likely to use alcohol. Similarly, in studies of academic achievement, the number of family meals was more important than anything “even things like the hours that children studied.
It’s probably not surprising to you that running directly in opposition to this research, over the past 30 years there has been a significant decrease in the amount of family meal time in America (although there is some evidence to suggest that this has begun to change). Professor Doherty gave some marvelous ideas on my show about how to improve both the quality and quantity of meals you spend together as a family (I’ve put a few beneath the body of today’s RFL and would welcome a hearty blog participation on this).
I can’t help but think that the meal is a powerful ritual for more than just the family. In workplaces where we care so deeply for each other and spend so darned much time together, I wonder if we don’t gain greater power, productivity, and compassion by creating rituals of eating together (maybe it’s part of why Google has all that food around their shops!). Irrespective of that, I sure appreciated Doherty’s reminder of the extreme importance of eating frequently with my wife and children. I hope it helps you too, to
Lead with your best self,
Dan
Here’s a little more from my conversation with Bill Doherty:
First, if this topic interests you, pick up his book, The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties. It mixes theory and research with very practical thoughts. Here are a few things I picked up from Bill:
1. Create rituals around the meal. For example, set the table together. Or have appetizers like you would at a nice dinner party (even if it’s carrots and celery!).
2. Don’t start asking all the questions that we parents ask, ’til people have a little food in them (especially if you’re eating late as many of us tend to these days). I know I’m crabby, and I wouldn’t want someone pressing me with questions about my day before I’ve had a bite to eat.
3. Don’t ask those going nowhere questions that frustrate them as much as much as their answers frustrate you, “How was your day?’ “Fine.” Ugggh.
4. Instead, pay closer attention to what they’re interested in talking about. Ask them about stuff they like to talk.
5. Make it a priority to eat together. Period. Give them a snack if you know you’re going to eat late; the social part trumps the 3-square meals thing. Change your own darned schedule if you need to. And when those teens have activities every night at dinner, sometimes you have to “be the parent,” says Bill, and lead! You explain that the family meal is too important and so they have to cut something loose. What a concept that is.
I’d love for us to share more comments about this, especially what’s working for you?!
What a great piece! To know that it doesn’t take rocket science to save our kids from peril. Common sense is all we need. And to pause throughout the day, whatever day it is, to share a meal and celebrate the act of eating together.
I agree family time and mealtime are very important. For a family that has dwindled (1 in college and 1 out of college) to a single teen boy at home it is difficult given the schedules of the parents haven’t improved – working 40-60 hours a week on 1 hand, and on another forced to unemployment, looking for work and going back to school.
Given that, we try to make mealtime at least once a week and even when we’re all on the fly, we try to convene in some sort of way, when the late comer is finally home and trying to refill their fuel and energy levels.
Another thing that sounds counter to family time, but actually helps us build our relationships, is when we sit down in the evening and have the TV on. It is interesting if all 3 of us are in the room to see the exchanges that take place (men, even 16 year old men, do not deal well with face to face discussions – even at the dinner table) so when you put us all facing a tv or a game or something else – the flow of real conversation can amaze me (the lone female left).
Anyway, reach out to your family anyway you can – we all need to be heard and listened to and have the ability to hear eachother’s angles too.
great comments and ideas by all!
This is an excellent topic. I agree with many comments about be careful of thinking just eating together will achieve what you want. Having training in counseling and listening skills, I how hard it is to ask open ended questions that really invite the other to decide what they want to talk about. Even with LOTS of training.
In addition I’ve been overweight most of my life, and am following closely the information about how to help your child avoid having an eating disorder. What gets served at meals and how children can be allowed to make decisions about how much and when to eat healthy foods are important additions to the suggestions about making meals a positive experience for the whole family.
Sarah
Hey Martha, when our daughter was in a theatre production and the other in swimming, dinner was at 9pm. So we opted for meal time at breakfast. To simplify, crockpot breakfasts (oatmeal variations) and makeahead egg/meat (or veggie)/cheese casseroles worked for us. That way, it was either ready to eat in the moring or, we could make it the night before, put it in the oven while everyone got ready then eat before leaving but either way, the prep was done. Big meals and no fuss with everyone home. But it was at 5:30 am. Just a suggestion. I learned this trick from another busy family.
Just catching up on old mail and found this article. I recently visited a daughter at college. I usually bring a simple meal for us to share in her apartment. We invited a friend of hers to join us. As we ate our soup and bread, talking and laughing, she kept saying over and over how wonderful it was that we would “eat together as a real family” and that she couldn’t remember the last time her family did this. Even when the “kids” are in their 20s, they still need meals together. And how sad that something which seems so simple and that my daughter and I take for granted is something this young lady pined for.